Today we have up-and-coming author Elisabeth Staab taking over the reins at Book Monster.
Hi, folks! Welcome to today’s Paranormal Build-A-Boyfriend workshop. You know, the fun thing about writing paranormal romance in general and vampires in particular, is that you are only limited by your imagination. Even in the vampire genre these days vampires don’t come from a one-size fits all cookie-cutter mold anymore. You can have dead ones, live ones, warm ones, hot ones, retractable fangs or not, they can eat food or not, good or evil, or somewhere in-between. So long, in the romance genre at least, as they are always sexy.
If the ending is happy, nothing else matters.
In my debut novel King of Darkness, for example, my vampires are a separate supernatural race that lives alongside humans in the suburbs outside of Washington DC. They can eat food as well as reproduce, and my vampire king is a little bit tortured because I thought it’d be a nice change of pace to have a vampire king with some crisis that kept him from being the standard cookie-cutter alpha. Truthfully, I’ve always had a thing for the tortured bad boy.
So what about you? If you could build your perfect paranormal hero boyfriend, what would he be like?
Let’s find out: Today we’re going to build a fictional paranormal boyfriend to your own perfect specifications. Are you ready? Okay. *rubs hands together* Let’s get started.
Choose your body type:
· Really stacked
· Must wear platforms
· Must carry stepladder
· Shoulder length
Any Add-on Parts?
· Mountain Dew
· Freshly shed virgin tears
What’s your paranormal build-a-boyfriend’s
· Supernaturally long life
· Magically immortal
Of course he can make love all night long. What
are his other super powers:
· Read minds
· Time travel
· Talks to the dead
· Makes toast without appliances
· Your parents love him
Choose a classic hero archetype for your new
· The Chief
· The Bad Boy
· The Best Friend
· The Charmer
· The Lost Soul
· The Professor
· The Swashbuckler
· The Warrior
(New offer! During this workshop only, combine 2 or more archetypes for only an additional $6.99 + processing!)
Accessorize your new paranormal boyfriend:
· Piercings—note that anything above the waist is included in your workshop fee. Piercings below the waist, you naughty thing, are not only an additional fee but contingent on whether or not you’ve built the sort of her that will sit still for such a thing (see “Dark Hero Quotient,” below). “Fantasy part piercings” (tail, hoof, horn, etc) depend on piercer availability.
· Arm bands
· Tattoos (See piercing rules, above. No shifter tattoos during a full moon.)
· Dragon perched on shoulder
· Military fatigues
Boxers/Briefs/Commando/Jock strap/lacy thong
· Tortured past
· Hates humans
· Rejected by his own kind
· Chosen as the unwilling savior of an entire planet
· Got picked on in school
Dark Hero Quotient:
You may choose a Dark Hero Quotient of anywhere from 0 – 40%. For optimal results we recommend a dark hero quotient of 15-30%. We regretfully but firmly state that under absolutely no circumstances will a dark hero quotient of greater than 40% be considered, not since the time a participant’s hero flew out the window with her clutched in his talons.
All done? Great! Your sexy paranormal hero is ready to go. We hope you’ve enjoyed this build-a-hero workshop. Please wait until you arrive home before unwrapping your new fictional boyfriend. Failure to adhere to this rule has resulted in numerous complaints in the past.
About King of Darkness:
Enjoy the post!